Selling out... Is not my thing...
Walk away... I won't be broken again...
I'm not... I'm not what you think...
Dream away your life... Someone else's dream...
Nothing equals nothing...
Letting go... Is not my thing...
Walk away... Won't let it happen again...
I'm not... I'm not very smart...
Why should I feel sad...For what I never had...
Nothing equals nothing...
Turn to stone... Lose my faith...
I'll be gone... Before it happens...
Turn to stone... Lose my faith...
I'll be gone... Before it happens...
Selling out... Is not my thing...
Walk away... I won't be broken again...
I won't... I won't fall apart...
Dream away your life... Dream away your dream...
Nothing equals nothing...
Turn to stone... Lose my faith...
I'll be gone... Before it happens...
Turn to stone... turn to stone...
Lose my faith... lose my faith...
I'll be gone..
There is an actual monetary reason behind the otherwise stupid title for this entry. I confess to being one of the most irresponsible people in this world when it comes to returning books to any library. Just a couple of weeks ago I had to pay $54.00 in fines to the Miami-Dade Public Library due to some books that I had checked out for my mum, which I obviously failed / forgot to return (or at least renew). That money there could have been used on buying this one text that I need for Wednesday (sold at Barnes & Noble for $54 exactly, compared to a whopping $110 at Amazon). The cost of academic life, damn it…
But that’s not the end of my ruin or irresponsibility… I didn’t return a good amount of books at the school library. And you may just imagine the kind of overdue fines that the lovely University of Miami charges to its students. The amount that was owed �and transferred to my student account� is so ridiculously high that I won’t even post it here (if my family finds out they’ll kill me or cut my balls… it was pretty bad). I am so disgusted and mad at myself that I have made the promise of never borrowing anything from any library, at least until I can tell that I have become a more responsible fella. For that matter I’d rather purchase whatever texts that I may need (at least I only pay for them once and I get to keep them).
Add the the two examples that I just mentioned to my gigantic library (I own a bit over 1,800 books) and the definite conclusion is that I will eventually have to declare bankruptcy or something (let’s knock on wood, I’d never like that to happen). I need to stop this love of mine for the written word; it is getting me nowhere.
Oh, to add to my aggravation at this moment, I went to make some copies of a document that I need to read for tomorrow and (once again) someone has kept this reserve item a lot longer than they should. I’ve been trying to get this crap since Tuesday; every time that I go it is checked out and past due. Obviously, I am not the only irresponsible head at this school. What irks me the most is that I missed Six Feet Under and the season finale of Sex And The City trying to get this thing (I waited at the library for over an hour without any luck). Now my assignment is going to be past due and I didn’t get my weekly fix of HBO. Grrrrrr…. I’m angry…
I haven’t said much about my first week of schooling; there have been reasons for that, both good and bad. Let’s get the bad ones out of the way… Something happened to my financial aid (yes, again, I went through this a year and a half ago) and my classes haven’t been paid for as yet. According to the fin-aid office, the school shows me as not registered for the 2002-2003 period; fucking weird I said, cause I have been going to all of my seminars, I’ve been getting a receipt in the mail (for more than two months, every week) to pay the $12,000 that each semester costs, and I DO show on all my professors’ rosters. The little advisor fella tells me that I’ve got to go to graduate admissions and find out why I’m showing as “needing re-admission” to the school. I do so, only to find out that the problem is bigger than I thought (I’d rather not elaborate for now) and that I have to see the school’s president on Monday; they admit to having screwed up and yet they want to offer nearly no help. If this issue is not resolved I will have to withdraw from school this semester, cause I don’t have that kinda money at the moment (or ever probably, at least available to dish it out in one shot). I’ll have to wait till Tuesday (hey, sounds like an 80’s rock band) . I will reveal the results on that day.
Well, the good news is that so far I have been very busy and fascinated with my courses for the fall term. I am a nerd, I know. One of my classes, my favourite so far, is the Seminar on Brazilian History. Those who know me are aware of my fascination with that country (both for personal and academic reasons) and the idea of continuing my research in this area is just exciting in all sorts of ways. As part of the seminar’s duties I will be going to Rio De Janeiro and the state of Bahia in November (during the week of my birthday), which I have been meaning to do for a long time. While there, me and my classmates will do some first-hand research and will get to do a couple of interviews with scholars and common folk. The results of each student’s research is to be turned in at the beginning of December, in the form of a web site. This is pretty original idea for a graduate history project (instead of your usual, boring, tedious 35 page essay) and I’m all ready for it. I even purchased the domain name today. My research will go under the name of BrazilProject.net. I chose a simple and relatively clich�-ish name, cause this is for a professional endeavour; I wasn’t gonna go for something symbolic that wouldn’t have anything to do with the task at hand. For a while the domain name will redirect to this journal, until I develop the final concept of the project and upload the results at the end of November.
Other things look quite exciting as far as school goes. This semester I will take part in two different student associations and for 2003, once I bring my ass to being in the best of shapes, I will rejoin the track team (you know how I am, I spend my life running away, I may as well do it for a good reason). I have made the definite decision that for May of 2003 I will resign from my current job (I know, I am crazy to leave a position that pays me over 60k a year with just a bachelor’s degree) to continue with my Ph.D. having no interruptions or distractions. I’ll take advantage of one of the assistantships that UM offers and I will wing it in the best way possible. I just hope that there is no financial crisis or something that forces me to stay where I’m at for life. I will let it flow, God will know what’s best for me.
Speaking of God, lately I’ve been in the midst of a spiritual re-awakening. I was having a conversation with my baby sister and realised how, without being a religious fanatic, I have always needed His presence in my life. And when I say His I am speaking of the Father (given that I follow the Jewish tradition), not of any human being. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I definitely need to find my way back to the temple, back to being one with The One that made me. I need to eliminate my co-dependence upon certain individuals and things. My dear Cat said it best when she stated that “if He’s the epitome of perfect love… then what makes the love we seek and share amongst one another… what is this imperfect love we still yearn after, naively attempt[ing] to perfect and end up dropping from the clouds?” Yes, why is it that we continue to respond to a social conditioning that tells us that without [somebody else's] love we are nothing? As I told Cat (and I copy and paste my own comment at her weblog), “this kind of ‘love’ is overrated. At least HIS is unconditional and always present. There is no moment of my life that I don’t feel full of Him. On the other hand, humans often (if not almost always) leave feeling empty.” I know that this is a rather generic comment. I love my family and friends dearly, but everyone is bound to eventually disappoint us (hey, we’re all human), He won’t.
I will return at some point tonight to write a little more on things that I have seen lately on the net, and about the two day cruise that I just went on (where I won some money at the casino); Fortuna (a Roman goddess in case you think I’m misspelling the word) keeps smiling upon me. Now I need to pick up some food from the Bell. Does anyone care for some chicken quesadillas? Hmmmm…..