:: intellectualized ::

Really haven’t had much to write about lately. Been busy with work (and I hate it as much as usual), working on some illustrations for my “secret” site (but inspiration has been quite scarce), and going to the gym on a daily basis (good news, I’ve lost 16 pounds in three weeks). I’ve not been in the mood to share my emotional or intellectual side with anyone; I’m feeling void.

How You Remind Me
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealin’
Tired of livin’ like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It’s not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream “are we havin’ fun yet?”

It’s not like you didn’t know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause livin’ with me must have damn near killed you

This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It’s not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream “are we havin’ fun yet?”

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealin’

This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It’s not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story

With nothing more (or of any importance) to say, I sign off…

It’s been a while since the last occurrence, but I had a minour nervous breakdown sometime around two today. I will refrain from explaining the causes of such event, but those few folks who know me are somewhat acquainted with the reasons for my sadness / madness. To make it brief, I found myself locked in a small room, crying till my eyesockets were in pain, and feeling absolutely disappointed about everything and [almost] everyone I know. And while I wiped the saltwater from my eyes, hoping to regain my composure, the flow continued. I thought I had reassessed my own life over this past weekend. I thought I had finally understood my place in this world. Obviously I was wrong.

Lately I’ve been dreaming a lot about old time friends, childhood and early youth memories… My friend Alain has been a frequent guest in those dreams. We haven’t seen much of each other since we chose to take some time off in order to gain some space and new experiences. The more I look at my present life and the people that surround me, the more I realise that such break-up was not good for me at all. No one has ever understood my neuroses (or related as much to them) as this ex-best-friend of mine. Everything I have known after has been time and energy wasted on people who share no common ground with me, who criticise my origins, who are judgemental of what I choose to relate to, who have not cared to truly understand me.

I thought friends were supposed to trust you in every sense, to confide in you whenever they faced joy or trouble, to give you love in return if you loved them… and I am not speaking of passion here… I am speaking of a simple affection, of respect, of an unexpected call on a Sunday afternoon, of a sudden e-mail to tell you that they cared. I guess I overestimate friendship. Or maybe I misunterstand its meaning and definition. But the truth is that I will not change. I will continue to give my all to people who probably don’t deserve a glance from my eyes; I will allow my heart to be manipulated and trampled upon yet once or twice more. That’s the heart that God gave me. Defective as it may be, it is mine and I enjoy the way it beats… even if only I can understand its music.

Still, while some things can’t change, we are always empowered to remove that which brings us sadness and/or negativity from our lives. All it takes is readjusting ourselves to a new way of living. I am not sure about what kind of change I will make in my own existence, but I will start with simple things. I will discontinue certain acquaintances (someone who verbally admits to not trust you, even thought you’ve opened up like an idiot to them, could never be considered anything other than that); other relationships will find a denouement on their own. I will stop spending my nights confined within four walls, hoping to read someone’s thoughts, feeling alone whenever we become disconnected. I will go out again, smell the green, stare at the blue, throw away my old clothes, get myself a brand new wardrobe, meet new folks, retrace some steps back to people and places that brought me joy… I will learn to live again. I have failed love 101 several times, it is about time that I focus my time and energy on succeding at life 001… The choice is mine…