:: intellectualized ::

Going on hiatus for a while. Need to step away from an activity that does absolutely nothing for me. I just need to worry about other things for now. I’ll leave with these very uplifting lyrics…

Me’Shell Ndegéocello – Fool of Me

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space?
cause now, you have no interest in anything that I have to say
and I’ve allowed you to make me feel
(I feel so dumb)
what kind of fool am I?
you so easily set me aside

you made a fool of me
tell me why
you say that you don’t care, but
we made love, tell me why
you made a fool of me
you made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
does she want you with the pain that I do?
I can smell you in my dreams
and now that we’re face to face, you won’t look me in the eye
no time, no friendship, no love
you say don’t touch you
I can’t touch you no more
can’t touch you anymore, anymore

you made a fool of me
tell me why, tell me why
you say that you don’t care, but
we made love, tell me why
you made a fool of me
tell me why
you made a fool of me
tell me why
(tell me why)

“Such a lovely word,” or so said Billy Joel. Tonight’s episode of Ally dealt with honesty and telling people about the true feelings our hearts harbour. Is that really the smart thing to do? I have found myself feeling like an ass on a couple of occasions for wearing my heart on my sleeve. When your heart is too large it scares people off (Roger Sanchez expressed it so well in his video for “Another Chance“). I have been a little too honest several times. But… then again, I have not been so on many more. Just recently I told someone that my feelings had died, only to be able to keep a friendship that will head nowhere and to spend my life coveting someone’s affection from a distance. Was that healthy? Was it the right thing to do? I would love to know the answer.

And then I wonder how honest other people are with us when we ask them what their feelings might be. Often times the answers are blurry. Others are so clearly fake that you fail at refuting them only to prevent embarrassing the other party. Or maybe cause you don’t want to be the catalyst for emotions that the other person hadn’t become fully aware of. I once wrote that these are the kind of people who five or ten years down the road realise their mistake and regret their poor decisions. This time I will add that they will regret their poor choices, which at the time appeared very appropriate, and their cowardice and lack of honesty disguised as righteousness or integrity.

In a world with nearly seven billion people, and in which we see almost every other human being striving to find real love, shouldn’t honesty be one of the most important qualities; honesty about what we feel and whom we feel for. Happiness is not found in Christmas catalogues and it can not be downloaded from the internet.

The kittens are demanding attention; I gotta go now.

Sure, the new layout ain’t that much. I wasn’t too inspired. I was simply bored with the old one. The blue reflects the mind set. And I love diving and the sea in general, thus I chose an image that gave me a certain sense of peace. YOU don’t like it? Tuff Shite. Last time I checked this site was registered under My name’s name and no one else’s; which [probably] in part explains the reason I have never hosted anyone. If it takes too long to load on your computer I feel sooooooorry for ya [for not having DSL] but I ain’t changing it. This will stay up until me, myself, and I get tired of it.

Anyhoo. I miss Jenn and I miss Spence, and I miss Jai (she’s is back in a very subtle way). My B-day was good, got some nice stuff and was taken out to dinner on three different nights. Can’t complain in that sense. Let’s see if I focus a little more from this point on. I need to start looking for that which makes me happy and I will not find that in other people (unfortunately). Until I learn to love myself I ain’t ever, ever loving anybody else.

Ok, I am going to the gym now and then I will head to the beach and have some drinks with these folks I used to work with. At this very moment I am repeatedly listening to Shea Seger’s “Love You Too Much” (I should have written that one), Suzanne Vega’s “Solitude Standing,” Robbie Williams’s “Strong” (one of my anthems), and the Aphex Twin’s “Windowlicker.” Oh yeah, and that tune that I dedicate these days to a certain someone: Pink’s “You Make Me Sick” (because lately you really do so). Bah bye peeplez.

Now don’t be getting any ideas. I’m talking about the song by The Verve from back in the Fall of ‘98. Great tune, superb lyrics, and one of my all time favourites. And hell, it applies to me so well. Reminds me of an old girlfriend who was a little too hooked on rolls and acid. Makes me think of myself at the moment (yeah, I admit I would love some sort of high at this moment).

Anyway, tomorrow I celebrate another year of being a stranger on earth. Older? Sure. Wiser? I can’t really tell. I am not fond of this particular day. I just become too aware of the things I have not achieved and of the fact that I ain’t a kid anymore. Being an adult sometimes really sucks. I know that sounds immature as fuck, but that’s just my mind frame at the moment. On Thursday I will hopefully think and feel differently.

Music favourites for today: Mis-Teeq’s “One Night Stand” and Roger Sanchez’s “You Can’t Change Me” (two of the few things that put me in a good mood lately), Llorca’s “My Precious Thing” (lately I can’t get enough of this melodic, soothing, beautiful piece of house), and Billie Myers’s “Kiss The Rain” (a classic, very adequate for my state of mind tonight).

Talk about an uneventful weekend. Let’s summarize: Friday sucked and got I got some rather puzzling news at work, Saturday I proved what a wonderful thing friendship can be, Sunday I stayed in bed watching the entire first season of Sex and the City and worrying about the possible hurricane. Later on, during the same day I had an ugly argument with my sister and just left the house for a few hours only to drive aimlessly around town. Wow, sounds soooo exciting, doesn’t it.

And so, my favourite two reads have suddenly gone on hiatus. Spence has been missing for over a week now. Jai made a sudden exit. Others are not updating frequently (not like I do so often anyways). And miss Dominique disappeared completely. The i-net stinks more than ever. There is a high chance that this site will be gone as well. I’m not feeling it anymore. So, blah…

Advice for the young at heart: don’t fall in love with someone who is truly in love with someone else. It makes you a creepy loser, willing to sacrifice your Saturday afternoon for the aforementioned couple, only so that they can go and enjoy themselves somewhere else while you’re stuck at home watching re-runs of Ally McBeal. Then the next day goes by and you don’t even hear from them. Why do I suddenly hear Dionne Warwick’s “That’s what Friends Are For” playing in the background. Hell yeah, I am a basket case.

Oh, and since I am making no fekking sense at all today; since I am moody as hell, which is nothing new in any case; since everyone seems to be in such crappy moods lately; since I have nothing else to write, post, or say, here’s a lovely retro image that I found while looking for the word crabby using the wonderful Google engine. Now go somewhere else and download some music, watch some porn, look at some cam girl (I’m sure she’ll be back from hiatus pretty soon), or get your rocks off while having a cyber chat. Do something productive. Can you tell I am in a lovely mood tonight? Beh… Good night.